27 Mar 2014

Gwyneth Paltrow And That Statement… Conscious Uncoupling

Shakespeare - Much Ado About Nothing

I had to comment…

I was intrigued by the term “uncoupling” when Gwyneth Paltrow announced her separation from Chris Martin.

Truthfully I hadn’t heard a peep from that word since my Shakespearian studies at school.

~ ~ ~

Gwyneth has managed to spin the term and express what, in any language, could only be seen as a sad and unhappy time for all involved.

What interested me on her site…was not so much that she is splitting from her husband… because whether they are coupling or not… or whether both are conscious… fully or half is their business… but the article included underneath her marital broadcast…. I found it thought provoking.

 

Dr Habib Sadhegi and Dr Sherry Sami write about ‘conscious uncoupling’  …

“To change the concept of divorce, we need to release the belief structures we have around marriage that create rigidity in our thought process. The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life. The truth is, the only thing any of us have is today. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone. In fact, it would be interesting to see how much easier couples might commit to each other by thinking of their relationship in terms of daily renewal instead of a lifetime investment. This is probably the reason why so many people say their long-term relationships changed overnight, once they got married. The people didn’t change, but the expectation did.”

 

They are suggesting that we need to learn new ways of living in relationships…

That our extended life expectancy makes it almost impossible to survive with one partner alone.

They argue that the high divorce rates… 50% of all marriages apparently end in divorce… are due to an inability to adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy… that our biology and our psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four or five decades…

If we do manage to make it through with one partner… we are the exception, not the rule.

The way we are programmed makes us believe and feel that anything less than that is failure… “the until death do us part” is well and truly ingrained in our brains.

It is these thoughts that require re-thinking and re-forming according to Sadhegi and Sami.

~ ~ ~

What do you think?

Should our relationship expectations be managed day by day? I agree we need to work on our relationship daily but to diminish future expectations as unlikely would seem to me to be a little defeatist.

I am old fashioned.

I have been married for a very long time to the same person. Some of that is chance and good luck but the lion’s share of our success comes from hard work, mutual respect and understanding. Long may it continue but I take nothing for granted… a solid and happy relationship is a gift and should never be abused.

I am concerned that if we enter relationships with little expectation for a long term future we will be done before we start.

I am not saying that all relationships must last forever, that is naive and foolish… some are doomed through incompatibility and bad choice. There is no crime in that… staying in a bad marriage is much worse than having the courage to call it quits and re-build a life. I support, applaud and admire those who do.

I don’t believe that divorce means failure but equally I believe we should fight till the death if there is something worth saving.

Knowing when a marriage is beyond resuscitation requires great wisdom… and how one gains that inner knowledge and knows when enough is enough… I don’t know… it must be excruciating.

~ ~ ~

The questions that spring to my mind…

Are human beings really that different today… even if we are living longer?

Do we still unconsciously search for that one soul mate and special someone to share our lives with?

 Or do we calculate the need for multiple partners early on in life and manage those assumptions?

I’m thinking that ultimately the heart wants what the heart wants… that our emotions will continue to drive our relationships… good and bad… and whether they last the distance or not won’t change our expectations.

Deep down… don’t we all want love to last… xv

 

read the full article here

 

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136 Comments

Anita Rivera

I am with YOU, Vicki. My opinion is that the rhetoric is a brilliant way to try to justify the easy road. There are some things in life that NEVER CHANGE, and that is having to face difficulties, doubts, etc… that come on any given day. Perseverance, trust, loyalty are abstract concepts UNTIL we create them on our journey and they become visible truths. To take one day at a time is grossly misunderstood in many a mind; one thing these “experts” failed to state (or maybe they did, somewhere) is that we are wired to want to BELONG, to be treated loyally, to be given a second chance. I think these experts are speaking from the perspective of the person who wants to “uncouple” and not thinking about being the person on the dumping end.

We all want to be loved, we all want a sense of security, but many just don’t want to work and grow old with the same person. I too fear that many values (and then there you go…someone might say those are “values” that are culturally created), but the rules are being broken so much that soon, we will all be left with dust, the shards of ourselves.

LONG LIVE THE LOVE that bears all things, to the end.

Anita

Reply
Shirley

Anyone who would name two innocent babies Apple & Moses…would say just about anything….

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Marny CA

I would say that the name Moses is biblical … and quite nice.

Apple? Well, how delicious! (oops, might also be biblical although the Garden of Eden probably had pomegranates – THAT would be quite a name, eh. The pits! ;-)

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Marny CA

I forgot to mention that Gwyneth is Jewish so why not name her son Moses.

When he grows up he can change his name, if he doesn’t like it.

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Sally Leonard

These comments have been wonderful. My husband and I have been married 40 years. It’s been hard, and wonderful at the same time. Neither of us believe in divorce which helped us through the tough times. Sadly, our son is divorcing and it breaks our hearts. Neither our son or his dear wife have worked hard enough to save this marriage. With two precious children, married only eight years, WHY haven’t they given it their all. I’ll never understand but continue to love them both…

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Marny CA

Why would you not love your son or the mother of your grandchildren?

My daughter converted to Catholicism – I haven’t changed how I feel about her decision to no longer be Jewish. (even the priest told her that she should reconsider since she ‘come(s) from the most extraordinary background of Judaism.’

The thought of staying married to her father caused me to try to commit suicide. What stopped me before it happening in real time was the thought of him raising the children!!

I divorced him and 18 years later met and married a most beautiful kind gentle man who was the wind beneath my wings in every way. (he was not Jewish but he wanted to be and was on the way to conversion)

His parents didn’t like his first wife and she was Christian – and they didn’t like me because I am Jewish! They, otoh, hated each other and stayed together for 70 years!!

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Karen

Good morning Vicki.

Although the stigma of divorce no longer exists in the way it once did, I am still struck by the deep sadness I feel when I hear of another marriage ending in this way. All the jargon of the psychologists simply sweep over what is just another divorce. All marriages move through periods of adjustment, whether because of the arrival of children, different jobs, financial or health issues, and I know from experience these can bring trials that will test a relationship. But I firmly believe that if the foundation is strong, we can grow beyond them and become stronger and closer in spite of them.

For some it doesn’t work and, perhaps, they shouldn’t have been together in the first place. I’m reminded of my father telling me that on one anniversary his work mates asked him how long he’d been married. My father said “35 years”. To which they asked “What…to the same woman?!” My parents celebrate their 61st anniversary tomorrow. I know that Gwyneth Paltrow’s parents were married a long time and seemed devoted to each other until her father died so I suppose living with that example doesn’t guarantee you’ll choose carefully yourself or, indeed, make similar decisions together. But I feel my own parents’ marriage has given me a set of examples that I follow in my own marriage. They have endured much in their time together, including the loss of a young child, and yet they are a stronger couple today than ever before because of the way they chose to treat one another.

Something I’ve observed amongst people whose marriages are not strong is a lack of kindness towards each other. I know I’ve been enormously blessed to have the husband I’ve had these many years as we share the same values (as well as the same music!), have been united in our decisions concerning our children (they always knew they couldn’t put a cigarette paper between us), faced near financial ruin and cancer, but through it all always showed each other the utmost respect, love and support. At times it’s been damned tough but we have always been able to make each other laugh, we say ‘I love you’ every day in different ways and I can’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else. I can’t help but wish everyone else could have a loving marriage that lasts a long time.

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Vicki

I agree Karen, that we often forget kindness and also forgiveness in relationships…
it is so easy to let those qualities fade… to become judgemental and over critical of our partners. Sometimes we do tire of them, become bored with them… and of course they annoy us… it would dishonest to say otherwise… but I try and stop to think that I too can be annoying, boring… tiring and irritating… so perhaps it’s better to reflect on other qualities or my own failings at that time… rather than blast a tirade where it’s probably not deserved… ;)

What would be interesting is to talk about the qualities that do help towards making a partnership endure…

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Karen

My mother said they never go to bed angry with each other and my father always holds her hand as he falls asleep. I’ve never forgotten it. And the other thing that sticks in my mind is she used to say “taste your words before you spit them out” – an old saying but a wise one, because as you say, we are not without our own irritations that rub others up the wrong way!

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Melanie LeFever

My husband and I have been married for 38 years. My parents and siblings were all divorced so I didn’t have a good example to follow. Some of the things we’ve done and still do, are, have date nights . This was especially important when our children were still living at home. I didn’t want to wake up one day when our children had grown up and gone and not known who the man sitting across from me at the breakfast table was. My husband still tells me every day that I’m beautiful. We laugh together , share interests but also give each other space. We say, “thank you” and “I love you ” every day, and we make time to listen. There were honestly times over the years when We didn’t like each other, but you don’t throw something away because it isn’t perfect. You remember why you loved it in the first place. I don’t see how a relationship can work if you re-evaluate each day whether you want to be together. Are we the same every day? What happens when challenges come up? Would you ever feel secure? Thought provoking article. Thank you. I’m going to go hug my husband now :)

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Vicki

I must admit that I thought the idea of living day to day rather impractical… Women have mood swings…as do men… they change… like the weather… and I believe it ok not to like your partner from time to time… We don’t like ourselves quite a bit of the time… so what’s the difference…
Security comes through confidence, acceptance and love… and these are the qualities that help us make it through the dark days…
Thank you, Melanie…

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Michelle

Karen, your post remind me of that old Italian saying. Something like marriage is a sauce, it takes patience, attention and time to grow better. I wish I knew exactly..I will have to Google now..

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my notting hill

I think the marriage failed and she felt compelled to find a fancy way to explain it and then, on top of that, provide an article that tells the reader that basically in today’s world – people are so different that we can’t expect a marriage to last. Blather, blather, blather. People are still the same, sometimes we succeed at our marriages and sometimes we fail. Why Gwyneth needs to “frame it” this way is really the place where her true self-discovery and growth needs to begin. Pontificating behind conscious uncoupling will only stunt her development as a person.

I’ve been married for 26 years and pray there might 50 more. I would never judge someone who does divorce. However, I do reserve the right to judge people who spin concoctions of “inner cathedrals, endoskeletons, living too long, etc” Sometimes two people can’t make it work, or in some cases, one decides their self-needs are more important that the marriage. Just call it like it is and learn from it – you are choosing to divorce.

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Vicki

Yes! It’s a choice and a private one… Spin doctors should contain their talk to politics…
Sometimes I tire of the way “we” skirt around subjects… or that feeling that we are being handled… directed in ways that we haven’t chosen…
Great comment… :)

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Leigh

Thank you for posting this, which is something I read earlier and had my own immediate thoughts. Total BS . They are divorcing. period. Since I am Catholic, well, you know how I feel about divorce. But I don’t sit in judgement. I applaud you for the hard work and commitment in your marriage. Tis not always easy. As for the psychobabble, it’s just what you said, a spin.

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Pamela

Very interesting topic Vicki. A couple of months ago I met up with an old friend visiting from another city. She and her husband had just celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary. I suggested we celebrate our luck in still being happily married to good men. She agreed, saying “though sometimes he drives me mad. But we are still happy – and he is a good man.” We drank a glass of champagne. Sometimes my husband drives me a little crazy too but he’s my best friend in the world and there’s still romance in our marriage. It has survived difficult times too, deaths of our parents and a beloved child. What doesn’t destroy you makes you stronger, and it can be the same with a marriage.
We’re looking forward to celebrating our 45th Wedding anniversary in Paris this year. Wish you and your readers many more happy anniversaries! Pamela

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Vicki

Congratulations Pamela… 45 years… that is truly something to be celebrated and where better than in Paris… the most romantic city on earth…

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The Enchanted Home

This is troubling on so many fronts. It bothers me to think these ideas could become more mainstream and adopted by the young generation as its an “easy way out”, a cop out in my book. Hey, EVERYTHING in life worth having is worth fighting for and working hard for….few things just fall on your lap.

Yes, marriage is hard work, it requires consideration, honesty, compassion, sacrifice, sharing and so much more….but it is still a union that when you find the right person is sacred and unlike any other relationship. I sure hope Gwyneth trying to glorify her divorce (which is what it sounds like to me) will not catch on. Its a short cut to not having to work at things PERIOD. I am not saying all relationships are destined to forever but I am afraid too many throw in the towel at that first bump in the road……..it is a culture which craves instant gratification like a drug and it is deeply disturbing to see that lack of commitment and work ethic that applies not only to their relationships but jobs, and life in general. Moving too fast for my taste….I can only hope for a big slow down! To each his own but this does not sound to me like anything more than a celeb getting tired of the mundane world of being married and instead of working at it…..they are walking away. Sad for their kids.
Interesting topic Vicki.

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Vicki

Exactly Tina,

I understand, like you that some marriages are not meant to be… we all make mistakes and there is no crime nor punishment in that.
I would not like to think that our popular culture trend for instant gratification applies to relationships… It is never, ever greener on the other side for long…
I am not suggesting for one moment that GP/CM haven’t worked or tried to save their marriage… I am sure they have… and besides as we already said, who knows what happens between two people… it’s just the thoughts in that article that got me thinking…

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lisa

i am encouraged to read the comments prior to mine. i think it is sad that we are all too easy on ourselves, yet so demanding of everyone else. The Pope says: “After ‘I do,’ comes ‘May I, Thank You, Sorry’… Love isn’t tough or aggressive, he said, it’s courteous and kind, and in a world that is “often violent and aggressive, we need much more courtesy.”

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Michelle

Courtesy..we had to work on that at about year six I think. It just began to get comfortable to snap at each other over ridiculousness. I’m not sure what prompted our turn around conversation, but I remember it had to do with some movie talking about your partner being a soft place to land. Your partner should be your “go to” in that respect..courtesy. I’m loving this post

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Carol

Courtesy! This is so significant! I love that you mentioned this. Why do we forget this sometimes with the people we hold dear? It’s such a simple way, another way, to say “you mean a lot to me”!

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Katherine

Hmmm. Not entirely sure. None of us knows what goes on in anyone else’s marriage, even if we like to think we do. I notice many seem to suggest that this is solely Miss Paltrow’s decision, but we don’t know that. While it would be fantastic if all marriages could be happy and lasting ones, it is clearly not going to be nor has it ever been so. I wish them and their children peace, joy, and happiness in their lives, as they will always be a family.

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Vicki

We can never know what goes on behind closed doors… and of course she is presenting a public persona… and it’s a very important point… that once children are involved… a family is in place and always remains…

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Victoria

I know, I know…I shouldn’t read gossip but I have to admit to a slight addiction to the Blind Gossip website. They’re alluding to the fact that their marriage has been peppered with many affairs, on both sides.

But, it really is none of our business. I love Coldplay and am a big fan of Gwyneth as an actress:)

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Vicki

Nothing wrong with gossipy websites… I think I might be being a bit gossipy today… ;)
Seriously… I don’t mean to be but this whole idea of longevity in marriage is very interesting…

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Victoria

My parents are divorced but both went on to have long and successful 2nd marriages…32 years for my mom and step-dad now and 20 something for my dad and step-mom. They both went on to marry very easy going, giving in types so looking back, I wonder if my mom and dad being too alike caused problems?

Vicki

Could be… They seem to have got it right the second time… :)

Marny CA

How about a couple who absolutely detested each other but stayed married for 70 years!!

My husband and I got only 10 years and he said ‘we didn’t get quantity, honey, we got quality.’

Amen!

My beshart died 2 months after our 8th anniversary.

Michelle

Marny..love. let’s all remember we are not given forever.

Karen

Uggh! ……Peppered with affairs on both sides? …..Really?…..So disappointing. What ever happened to self control?

Anyway, you’ll have excuse me as I have to get back to work, so I’m ‘consciously uncoupling’ myself from this fascinating thread…….

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Vicki

I know what you mean Karen… I need to move away from the desk and do some jobs… but I love reading everyone’s viewpoint… so I’m still here!!

BoxwoodTerrace

As a happy newly wed, I am biased because I am thrilled to be living a loving and forever life with my husband. As has been said before (and I’m learning!), marriage is work from day one, but the rewards of that work are sweet. Everyone needs to do what’s best for herself or himself, whether it’s to remain married or divorce.

My opinion of GP, from her public persona (and regardless of her marital status) is that she has taken self-involvement to an extraordinary level, so I was not surprised by the tone of her announcement or the accompanying article.

Deborah

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Vicki

GP does seem to court controversy with her approach to life…
I just read an interesting article that said all this perfect life of hers does nothing more than make women feel dissatisfied with themselves… that they don’t home-make well enough… look good enough… etc… She evens make divorce look romantic!
Now we all know that can’t be true..
Congrats on your marriage… I wish you a wonderful and long life together… :)

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Michelle

You’re right she did try and make divorce look romantic..by saying they were “closer than ever”..ugh. Just another thing to not live up to if you are unfortunate enough to be going through an acrimonious divorce. Let’s face it, most are.

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Kate Mai

I really like Gwyneth and sometimes feel bad about all the criticism she gets. However, I have to say that when I read that term, “conscious uncoupling”, i cringed. It’s almost as if she is setting herself up for the derision she so frequently receives. I am sorry about their family and I don’t have any deep thoughts to share about marriage or divorce- I’m just disappointed she didn’t choose to talk about it in normal language.

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Vicki

Absolutely… and then we wouldn’t be having this conversation… It’s a choice to draw attention to yourself or not…

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Bonny Neiman

My parents have been married for 61 years. My mother said “felt like ever divorcing him, no!…felt like ever killing him. Yes!” She also said being able to stay married this long some days was just because you said you would….commitment! Not everything feels good every day. When you are in it for life you work harder at it. Of course not all marriages should be forever , but focusing on the good is a choice.

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Vicki

I don’t think any of us underestimate the pain of a bad marriage… and there are some toxic pairings… as I said, I admire those who can extricate themselves from such unhappiness… but focussing on the positive is always beneficial… even if it is in the un-ravelling…

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Nancy

Marriage is a long and winding road. It is full of surprises – not all of them nice! But most of the time it is an adventure. A long time ago I made a conscious choice not to think negatively about the small things – so that I replace an irritating thought with the last time my husband made me laugh or told me how beautiful I am. I know that might sound overly simple but it works for me. I don’t know how I’d handle the big “deal breakers” and hope I never have to try! At the end of the day, shared history, the accomplishment of building a life together and a capacity to delight each other is pretty strong glue. So, really, longevity in a marriage is a combination of both attitudes. Focus on today but don’t forget to keep a map handy for the journey forward!

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Annie vanderven

I agree with you Vicky. Unfortunately what we are seeing these days is a reflection of our throw away society, a lack of responsibility for anything, this is not an uncoupling, but a divorce, it gave me a bit of shiver seeing the casualness being used on these terms….Marriage is a commitment which brings joys and pains, it is the pain that people want to avoid, and at the first hint of it they want to run away from it. Easy? no, I should know ,I have been married for 41 years

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Vicki

Commitment is in danger of loosing definition and re-shaping itself… that is to be avoided…

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Cindy

I feel sorry for the children born into such a relationship. Granted children do suffer from unhappy marriages but they also benefit greatly when they see their parents working to make one successful…à mon avis.

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Sandy Jones

It saddens me that when the going gets tough, the selfish get going. Maybe there should be some type of force that allows those who have experienced bad treatment from a spouse, to get out of a bad marriage. Otherwise, it is just too easy for those to say,’Well, it was only a starter marriage.” or ‘I was young and foolish”. I dont buy it, and wish vows would be taken more seriously. When it is hard to deal with problems, in a marriage, should we not spend as long as it takes to make it better, if that is the main option? “We spent a year, apart an together”, just does not appear to me that all that all thatcould be done was tried. As a Catholic, well that says it all. After almost 33 years, there have been trying times, but the thought that we would EVER split up was not acceptable. My feelings are strongest for the children, who will not have a great role model for themselves later in life. It just saddens me terribly…..

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Vicki

I would not like to presume anything about why couples break up and I am sure living your life in public is an awful juggle and stress… However celebrities break their negative news is never well received… so I think it’s perhaps the best way to cut the sugar coating and make a short announcement that remains factual. Too much detail and therefore too much speculation… Like me…writing about it… if GP had said ” we are divorcing”.. I would never have brought it up… but then maybe we should thank her for making us re-assess and question our thoughts…

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Michelle

Sandy,
There was a trend towards ‘covenant marriages’ in some states and starting to become popular in the 90’s, it is still an option in some places. The letter of the law differs with each state, but the net net of it is to make divorce much more difficult to obtain without going through various exercises and counseling. I’m not a fan of this. It’s dividing marriage into two classes. Marriage is marriage.

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Sarah

I question the article’s assumption, that our “skyrocketing” divorce rate” is due to our increased life expectancy and our inability to stay with one partner for such a long duration. Hmmmm…seems to be leaving out a lot. For example, the relatively new legality of divorce and the decreased stigma of no fault divorce. The sexual revolution (for women), more women working and thus able to support themselves financially. I’ve been happily married for 26 years to the same wonderful man who makes me laugh every day. At some point, after saying “I do”, I still had to CHOOSE marriage, CHOOSE my partner over other priorities. I’m lucky that I can happily live with that choice. I’m also aware that people change and sometimes need to move on.

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Vicki

I agree that there are obvious flaws in that theory… What interested me was that I had never thought of ‘living longer’ as a reason for divorce… I had always attributed the reasons you mentioned as having been catalysts for the break up of marriage.

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Liz

I’m old fashioned regarding marriage – I don’t expect it to be easy but as long as there is kindness and support of one another, that is a good start, no? At the end of the day, who knows what really happened to Chris and Gwyneth? And really, do I want/need to know?

It’s unrealistic to think one can look to actors and musicians as a bell weather to what’s happening in their lives.

I believe one makes a conscious choice every day to pick their battles, negotiate difficulties, and love one another.

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Mary

……………..and today we are quietly celebrating our 49th anniversary – not always a perfect relationship, several blips along the way BUT we always found something very precious and worthwhile remained and were able to patch the cracks. This morning over coffee we are chatting about the next one, the special 50th, probably just a day like today, but for us it will be another chance to celebrate this long road we’ve traveled together and revel in the memories we’ve made that will always be deep in our hearts. Today? We’ll celebrate quietly, doing the mundane – I need to shop for a new office chair to sit here comfortably to ‘chat’ with you and others – then perhaps a short walk in the chilly sunshine. Early evening, a stop at our favorite nearby Italian trattoria for a celebratory drink and a healthy veggie flatbread pizza. Nothing fancy, just the enjoyment of being……..with the one I love and have worked hard to share this precious life with.

Love to you and your special man – I hope you will always be celebrating like we do.
Mary X

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Vicki

Have a wonderful, wonderful evening Mary… and congratulations… there is much to celebrate… :)

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Charisse

Today’s approach is “marriage as long as we both shall love”. instead of as long as we both shall live, with heft doses of like, love, discouragement, frustration, and every emotion in between. I was married 25 years to my best friend, but we worked at it every day, with ups and downs through it all. When we worked through a problem, it made us perhaps not stronger, as much as proud that we worked through it, and every time we did that, the glue in our relationship held together a bit easier as the years wore on. My husband died very quickly of a brain tumor, but a few days before, he asked me if I had any regrets. I held his face in my hands and said, “NO, none….I would marry you all over again. One thing we used to do every anniversary is read our wedding vows, we wrote our own, and to this day I find that it reminded us of why we fell in love and what we saw in each other. As we grow in our lives, no matter our age, we do change, shift in our gifts, our expectations, but if our goal is to help our partner ( and vice versa) be the best they can be, then we end up taking pride in each other, which further enriches the partnership. In the end, respect, friendship were most important, and laughter. OMG, we could take the worse circumstances and find humor somewhere in it.

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Vicki

I am so sorry for the loss of your very dear husband but what a wonderful marriage you must have had…
Every new year I remind myself that there is no time for regret… do those things that are important and treasure those that you have…
Friendship, respect… and laughter… they must be the superglue of relationships…

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Katherine

Gwyneth and Chris have been quiet in their marriage. They are not the typical celebrity couple with the camera’s following them. It’s sensible to make a statement before the media warps the information {albeit that the media will spin it out of control now}.
Uncoupling seems like a more civil approach to splitting than the knock down drag out we often witness with couples. Gwyneth and Chris didn’t come across as a united couple, so it likely won’t be a stretch for them to uncouple. The main concern are two children. I learned many years ago that leaving a destructive relationship was the best thing I could do for my children, so it’s not necessarily a bad thing for the kids.

We are such a disposable society. Some people go through multiple relationships discarding friends or partners. I don’t think it’s easy for anyone and that is why many people rebound bouncing into new relationships. I’m grateful for the relationships that I have the opportunity to ‘work on’.

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Vicki

“Uncoupling” or whatever word is chosen is still a euphemism for “split” and whether you do it in a civilised manner or not is up to the individual…
I have had friends go through divorce on both sides of the spectrum… and those who separated with grace, control and dignity have fared much better than those who fought nasty mean spirited battles… I hope that if given the same circumstances I could behave like that..
I agree that destructive relationships are terrible for children … and I am sure heartbreaking to be a part of…

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Carrie Willard

I am a big fan of both gp and cm…I do not sit in judgment especially regarding strangers but I have been through a divorce. So I can say from experience that divorce is HELL and unless there is abuse, alcoholism or repeated adultery then it isn’t worth it.

Divorce is exchanging one set of problems for another. Pure and simple.

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Vicki

I can’t comment Carrie… but I have heard this same thing said by some of my divorced friends…

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Victoria

I divorced at the age of 32, so I definitely cannot stand in judgement of anyone else who does. I was sad when I found out about this though because Chris Martin has always seemed like such a good man to me…solid, down to earth Brit. I feel like when you have a good man like that, who’s successful, funny and respectful…how can you not make it work? Maybe they’ve both made mistakes but I would’ve loved to see them motor through it.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have found my current (and forever!) husband. Now I understand what a happy, healthy relationship is and what it feels like to be respected, trusted and valued. Not to mention, I hit the jack pot with the best in-laws ever:)

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Vicki

Perfect Victoria… and I am sure that while you are lucky you are also very deserving of your lovely husband… :)

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suzanna

Touche’ to old fashioned manners, commitments, and I too believe we all want LoVe to last, I do. Why are we here on earth? To make lots of money, take advantage of the next guy, live in a daze,
not care about our fellow brothers and sisters on earth. Take take take? We have so much take take take in this global meltdown, look around, all taking, BP Petroleum owned by J P MORGAN, Jamie Dimon, our society is changing to me for the worse. It’s all about ME society now. So sad. It is sad to me to see things today, all about texting…..etc etc. Living in the fast lane in Hollywood must be hard, so much temptation, even some that don’t respect others marriages and squeeze in to perpetuate divorce, I have seen some clever women do that to other women, so sad. Grass is not greener and all that glitters isn’t gold either. Old fashioned values for me too. Both people, I think, inside their souls, must be committed to Honor, Dignity, Trust, Ethics, Loyalty, people trade around and it seems like the same issues reappear and then there are the children. It’s each’s choice I am not here to judge, I speak for me. There can be severe physical abuse, infidelity to name a few perpetuating a divorce and when physical abuse is involved divorce is the choice often to stay alive. Uncoupling….the new jargon, blah blah blah. I think good or bad marriages divorce is painful, it’s deep in our cells this pain. And then we have to regroup and keep moving. Divorce is painful any way you shake it, or is it now called uncoupling? Psychologists come up with the darnest things!!!

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Kerrie

My husband and I have just celebrated 40 years of marriage. And how did we celebrate ? We decided to move from Australia to France to live in our retirement. There have been many times over the years when I have almost walked out the door ( actually I did once ) but we have always worked through the problems to a happier outcome. I see marriage as a public commitment to another person, an acceptance of their good points and bad, and a willingness to share your life and experiences.It isn’t easy and sometimes it isn’t much fun, but that doesn’t mean it should be abandoned. If something isn’t working then perhaps a new perspective is what’s needed, not divorce. Too many people appear to be inflexible in their choices whether it be the job they accept, where they live, or the person they live with.We all need to learn to relax and enjoy the small things in life.
Thank you Vicki for bringing up this subject and making us all think about our choices.

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Vicki

Sometimes it is good to sit back and have time to reflect on the obvious… those things that perhaps we take for granted… and I so enjoy hearing everyone’s opinions…

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tara dillard

Married 30 years, now divorced from alcoholic who finally had too many car wrecks. We are still friends.

Adored seeing ‘conscious uncoupling’, thought it meant they will make efforts to be kind to one another, and their divorced life focusing on love/happiness for their children.

Married/divorced, they are still a family.

Of course, who really knows what it means.

Garden & Be Well, XO Tara

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Laura Ingalls Gunn

On the eve of my wedding I asked for advice from my 50+ year married grandmother. She surprised me by saying “There will be days you perhaps you will not be able to stand the sight of him. There will be days that he will positively hate you. Pray everyday that it never occurs on the same day.If it does then remind yourself what the word ‘promise’ means.”

So each day I try to wake up and think “How can I make his life better?” Yesterday it involved simply taking his 2 pairs of pants to the dry cleaner.

Then there is the yearly renewal of promises. Every year, on April 11th, my husband and I stand before one another, clasp hands and look soulfully into one another’s eyes. We discuss the previous 12 months~ the good, the bad and the ugly. Then we ask one another if we would like to extend the contract for one more year. The past two years have been absolutely barbaric due to life experiences beyond our control. But we have hung in there. This year, just as last year, our “ceremony” will be conducted via skype as my husband is traveling to provide for our family.

Soon to be 16 years and counting.

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Vicki

What a wonderful idea to renew your promises every year… and I think your grandmother was one very, very wise woman… :)

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Marta

We do this too. We call it renewing the “contract” – and we make amendments as needed. :) Then we go have a nice dinner with our children, come home for a nice dessert and too much wine and enjoy our renewed commitment. ;-)

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Michelle

Marta and Laura..genius. I bet it really helps to take stock of the journey on a yearly basis..what a great idea. Laura tears came to my eyes at your grandmother’s wisdom. We really need to do more listening those who have been there. God bless you were wise enough to ask.

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danielle oke

I was sad when I heard about GP/CM yesterday. I also got news that another person I know is splitting from her husband. Really sad–we want marriage to work, we all want security and companionship, to know and be known and LOVED. That’s why it is sad when people get “uncoupled”. And I feel for their children. They will never love Mum or Dad any less–but it will always be a puzzle why they can’t be an ‘altogether family” anymore.

I suppose they are both trying to make the best of it by giving it a different spin. But I think the psychobabble doesn’t bring much strength or comfort. Can we believe that we are all truly alone and rudderless in this life? Doesn’t the intense, visceral love that we do experience contradict that idea? I believe love and commitment go together.

My parents and in-laws both just celebrated their 50 year anniversaries and I just had my 20th. Weather the storms with a good companion!! Commit and look forward to many years ahead!

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Vicki

YEs I am sure whatever you call it… doesn’t give much comfort…a sad time, whatever the spin…

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Lorrie

I’m always saddened to hear of marriages ending. No matter how “conscious” the ending, I cannot fathom the emotions of sadness and confusion, perhaps along with rebuilding one’s life apart.

I’m horrified at the article’s suggestion that we should consider “the idea of being married to one person for life” as too much pressure. A good marriage is such an intertwining of lives. To go into a marriage thinking that one can leave any time it isn’t working as expected restricts the possibility of a good marriage. It’s condemning the relationship to failure before it begins.

Some marriages fail. I’m so thankful to be approaching our 37th wedding anniversary and I’m looking forward to the next 37 years together as well. Mutual respect, friendship, a willingness to communicate – these are some of the things that go into long lasting good marriages.

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Vicki

“Condemning the relationship to failure before it begins…” that was my concern too, Lorrie…

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lisa thomson-The Great Escape...

This is a juicy one, Vicki. As a divorced woman I am happy to see this subject here at French Essence. I fully believe day to day expectations really work. My partner say we’re “Happily Ever Until Tomorrow” and he adds, tomorrow never comes. Mutual agreement that each person must be happy in this relationship to be in it tomorrow works for us. However, I also agree that there needs to be future planning especially for the younger folks who are planning families.

Thank you for sharing the meaning of ‘uncoupling’ because when I heard it, I thought it was a strange way of expressing a separation. Now I understand. I will be reading every comment here. Thanks for this!!

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Vicki

Thanks for your perspective Lisa… and I am sure you must feel differently after having been through a divorce… I love that he says… “tomorrow never comes… ” :)

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Sheila

I thoroughly have enjoyed reading the range of comments on this topic. Movie stars are always divorcing, yet this particular star certainly has started a conversation on the subject. I was married for 37 years until my husband passed away. No doubt marriage is demanding at all levels and a rough road at times. It requires and needs all the things mentioned; love, respect, kindness, trust, and harmony to make it a worthwhile relationship.
Perhaps, GP finds it easier to support her actions under the perception that marriage “can’t be forever”, as an excuse for whatever is the true cause for the termination of her marriage. She is entitled to her privacy and hope her children will not be too severely affected.

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meredith

This has been very inspiring to read all the comments today! I will be celebrating my 10 year anniversary in September. My husband and I married “later” in life (I was 36 and he was 41) and I really appreciate reading the perspectives and years of marriage many of you have celebrated. My parents divorced when I was 2 and luckily they worked to keep a very healthy relationship (even though my mom had every right to shut my dad out) as I grew up. They put me first. Thank you all for sharing as I would much rather hear about how you keep a healthy marriage over the years vs. hearing about divorce (I got the goop email and had to re-read to figure it out at first). So I am glad Vicki you spurred the conversation on today and for me it morphed into some wonderful advice and things to think about to help my marriage grow. Cheers everyone.

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Vicki

There are some very wise and true comments here… that’s why I am so grateful to my readers… We may be all behind our computers in all parts of the world on different time zones… yet, we can come together and share our thoughts… Incredible… :)

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Michelle

I think Gary David Goldberg said it best and most truthfully. He said of his twenty year partnership with his loving someday to be wife, that what saved their marriage time and again despite Hollywood, stress, modern mores and etc.. was one simple fact. Neither wanted to give up at he same time. They had a team like mentality, and they genuinely liked each other, even if not all the time. They got married their 20th year together. I read his book with such joy and hysterical laughter that my husband finally asked what I was reading, we ended up reading that book back and forth to each other until 4am. That book, while not a marriage book was better, taught us a lot about the couple we wanted to grow into by example. To this day, we love that wonderful,funny, couple affirming book. My husband and I should not be together..statistically that is. We met and married in 48 hours. We are from different continents, socio-economic backgrounds and have a decade between us. But here we are.
I think the ‘go team go’ attitude has saved us. People ask how we handle power struggle in the relationship. We both have strong personalities and have vast cultural differences, we carry weight and responsibilities in our careers that must be left behind. I guess we have honed and honor a completely equal relationship through debate (sometimes ugly) and discussion, usually we end up Seeing eye to eye, but if not.. What have a trump card clause. If we are genuinely stuck at a complete impasse one of us pulls the card as we call it, and the other has to hold hands and jump. It hasn’t always worked out..sometimes the choice was a bad one. We’ve lost money to choices, made moves on half hunches, but we hold hands and jump. No second guessing and no throwbacks, just swim together good waters or bad til your reach shore. Ok that was long. I also have to say. I am a product of a SECOND happy marriage. I don’t think every marriage us destined or workable. I also don’t pretend to know betrayal. I am coming from a sheltered place. I know this. Additionally, talk to me in a few years when our new first baby is a toddler. A completely unexpected addition to our 18yr experiment.

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Hallie

I am so very glad you posed this topic Vicki. I believe that to expect two people to become one “till death do us part” belongs to the days when women had no vote, no property and NO VOICE – men did not allow women to air an opinion. Men knew best and the woman was expected to live by the rule of his hand.
So now that we are out of those dark ages and now that we live in a time when anyone under the age of 30 will have had something like 25 job changes in a lifetime (yes, this is news) it is almost inconceivable to expect one another to remain coupled, and silly, and nostalgic. We change. The instantaneous nature of communications is changing us. Gail Sheehy wrote about how we change in Passages, More Passages and Sex and the Seasoned Woman. Whether you are a man or a woman, your personality is going to change somewhat. Unfortunately what happens is that a particularly negative aspect of a personality becomes more dominant, or a person decides that they want to live freely, or in an entirely new way. We are incredibly naive and unrealistic and that is why there is so much devastation when a break up occurs. Now that I have said all this —I am happily married for 27 (almost ) years, but I do fantasize about another life, I do wonder what it would be like to have another romance…to experience another person. I love my husband but I do wonder and so does he in the same manner.
Thank you for sharing the uncoupling – that is a creative – intelligent verbalization of two people who no longer want to stay together.

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lisa thomson-The Great Escape...

I feel compelled to add two points after reading every single comment. 1) Congratulations to the Happily Married couples, who are celebrating anniversaries. I truly admire the couples who can make it work and love for more than 20, 30, 40 years! 2) Good people get divorced. If you get a divorce it doesn’t mean your ‘bad’ or ‘lazy’ or unwilling to ‘work hard at it’. It takes a ton of work to extricate and divorce and start a new, happier life. I think people who choose to end an unhappy marriage, deserve a little more credit. I’ve read some truly beautiful comments here.

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Vicki

Lisa well said… and there are no two ways about it … divorce must be a heartache and a nightmare rolled into one…
Some times marriages just don’t work… and remedial actions, however painful must be taken…

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Michelle

It’s true. Divorce can be remarkably brave. We’ve all had a friend or relative we have begged to get out, and that move for some is emotionally, financially and socially brave.

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Marta

I couldn’t disagree more with the notion that we need to go into marriage with a short term vision. The opposite is true – we need to look at marriage as FOREVER … IF individuals grasped the true weight of the marriage commitment, less people would get married. And that is ok. But once you make the commitment, you need to accept and ingrain within your soul that it is forever and that this person, whom you chose and who chose you, is going to be by your side. If we all grasped this idea, then we would be more careful in coupling and marrying. When you start looking at marriage as short term, why bother? The beauty of a marriage that has been nurtured and fought for and protected through decades and decades is a gift for the couple who did all the work. The companionship through the years, the history together, all the little details, victories, failures, they weave a new life, a new being which is “the marriage.” And it is hard. And frankly, sometimes it just plain sucks. And sometimes there is abuse and you have to leave. (Please do if you are in this situation!) But for most of us, it is just a matter of dying a little or a lot to ourselves, our desires in order to protect and nurture the marriage and the family that it may engender. And what could be more noble and worthy than that?

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Vicki

Commitment is worthy and noble… as are some sacrifices… not just to marriage … These qualities are those that I admire greatly in others…

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Lydia

What is so much harder about marriage today than say, during WW 1 and 2 when marriages lasted through extreme difficulties? I look back through family albums, mine and others, and see solid long lasting marriages throughout the generations, until the past 20 years, when the pictures begin to change, and the families are broken up. I constantly hear young adults and teens mourning the fact their parents divorced. They did not see it as an advantage to them, but rather a handicap.

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Vicki

Life always has hardships but perhaps the baby boomers have had it easier than most and that in some way explains this…

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Lydia

Gwen Paltow’s parents marriage lasted it her father passed away, so she had all the advantages of a stable home.

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Marielle

It all comes down to trust. I like having a steadfast trustworthy life partner. After almost 45 years of marriage, I don’t take our marriage for granted nor does he. It is hard work, and boring sometimes. But, it is also fun, exciting, dynamic, adventuresome… And, our two children like having us married to each other. Even as adults they like that stability in their lives. We owe them that, and more.

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Vicki

I agree Marielle,
Trust must be a non-negotiable if a partnership is to be successful…

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Rena

Relationship with expectation…I think that’s the key word. In our
times we expect too much. For ever young, enough money, a perfect
body, a perfect partner. That’s not the reality. To be grateful what
we have got and working on it (what or wherever it is) and…never
change a winning team, (what a long lasting relationship is.)

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Madelyn Baker

Dear Vickie,

What a compelling heartfelt discussion…but I love the way you choose to quote Shakespeare!
I have been married for an amazing wonderful life altering deep learning adventure of graceful sometimes yelling and screaming ultimately civil loving devoted 25 years….When the pain was there we thought of “uncoupling” but the duration of our hardships somehow always brought us back into each others hearts…over and over again.
I believe like Romeo…or was it Juliet?..It is all written in the stars.

As for Gwyneth and Chris and all the lovers of this world come and gone “uncoupled” or together…its all good.

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Andie

It has become too easy for people to walk away from their families and commitments without a real regard for the magnitude of their decision and the consequences for other people, not only spouses, but children as well.

The destruction of the family is a very serious result of the culture of disposable marriage. It has far reaching negative implications that permeate every level of our society. A pebble in a pond with rippling waves of despair.

The values that make us strong are as necessary today as they were since time began; selflessness, perseverance, patience, kindness, love, understanding and, above all, a dedication to the future, a future that exists beyond the realm of our own lives.

In any circumstance a long term goal is what helps us to keep our feet planted firmly on the path. There will be storms, no doubt, and unforeseen events that will challenge us, but our willingness to remain steadfast in our goals will also serve as a guide to future generations.
Our marriage vows bind us not only to each other but to our posterity.

xo

Andie

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Esz

“Are human beings really that different today… even if we are living longer?

Do we still unconsciously search for that one soul mate and special someone to share our lives with?”

I think these questions are asked with the assumption that marriage has always been about love. Which is in fact a very new concept. For most of history up until only 80-100 years ago, marriage was purely a business transaction between two families, to gain land and wealth.

So no, I don’t think we are different at all. But we’ve got it in our heads that marriage is this romantic notion about loving someone for eternity. The expectations of marriage have changed but the traditions and legal ramifications haven’t changed with them.

Personally, knowing that until recently, getting married as a woman meant you were to become the property of your husband is what puts me off the whole idea. Being married doesn’t demonstrate to me any more commitment to a relationship than living together, or having children.
To me, the whole concept is becoming increasingly irrelevant in society. Sure – stay with your partner for 50 years – thats really awesome actually – but is it those rings on your fingers that has kept you together and the legally binding contract, or the conscious decision you make each day to stay together?

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Roberta

Having been divorced with two very young children and remembering how terribly it hurt all of us and members of our family, I am so grateful we did not have to share our grief with the world and have others comment about us.

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Marsha @ Splenderosa

Seriously, guys? We cannot possibly understand this, THEY live completely different lives than any of us. They are also insulated by their money from any difficulties and/or misery. They will do everything possible to raise their children in security, albeit with names like Moses & Apple. I really do not care one whit what GP does, I have long thought her a complete fake. I love Chris Martin’s music, but don’t know anything about him, personally, either. “Those people’s” marriages, relationships, etc. bare zero similarity to any of ours, in my opinion. just saying….

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Michelle

What a great post. I could give credence to the longer life more partners hypothesis if the average first marriage didn’t end at an average of 7-8 years. Some espouse the theory that couples are meant to be together only long enough to birth and raise 1-3 children to sexual maturity..say 16 years, well our current statistic still falls short of that by half. I’m not sure if this is the natural evolution of relationships, but it appears to be a certain trend. I am astonished by how quickly couples decide to call it quits. Sometimes I feel that more planning and thought is put into the wedding than there is in considering divorce. I know my marriage at 18 years has outlasted many, but we sometimes feel like relative babies compared to our parents generation. It’s also unusual to have a surprise first baby well into our forties, so I don’t pretend we are usual by any stretch. I will say we’ve been through alot together good and bad from brain tumors to wonderfully successful businesses and everything in between, just like all couples who stick it out. After all, our grandparents and recent generations before have married in their 20’s and passed away in their 60’s, 70’s’ 80’s and marriages lasted longer than 8 years. This trend is a product of instant gratification and lack of persistence..that’s all.

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Starr

Fourteen years ago, I was an engaged-to-be-married graduate student teaching a course entitled “Writing as Critical Thinking.” Even though I was only six years older than my students, the opinions and attitudes regarding marriage surprised me. The most startling expectation was that some students had peers talk about “When I get married the first time,” or “With my first spouse….”
That built in expectation that marriages will be temporary still strikes me as nullifying marriage.

Although we can’t say we’ve managed a long, lifetime-and-beyond marriage yet, I’m glad I married that boy 12 1/2 years ago.

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Leslie Nash

I t is sad when a marriage ends,on the other hand I have seen many people stay together “because it’s the right thing to do” which of course ends up being the absolute worse thing to do…… For everyone involved including the children. I n an ideal world everyone stays together for ever……but that’s not always the right path to choose…….just saying

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Sally

Hello Vicki

I join in this thought provoking conversation at a late stage..I feel sad for Gwyneth that her marriage has not lasted, although I find myself unsurprised as the life of fame causes many separations from a partner, due to all the commitments they have. This cannot be easy, and I feel it must have a disorienting effect on the ‘togetherness’ that must be there in a relationship. Absence cannot always make the heart grow fonder.
But in this modern era, to use a quote from the Bard…from my absolute favourite of his plays… indeed it is a comedy not a tragedy.. this is quite incredulous, and honestly inappropriate…no matter what she feels

My father taught me to ‘win with grace, lose with grace’

I cant help but think Gwyneth would be have been more dignified to stay silent

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marina vadla

This is my second marriage and I am with my husband for 23 years now; my advice to anyone would be – Find the right guy!

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Anne

Dear Vicki
I have been married happily for 25 years. There have been ups and downs as is expected in any relationship that endures for that length of time. We married young and had a plan to have our children early, my husband would work hard at his career and I would stay at home to raise our young family. We have had a life filled with riches.
Now we are at the age where our children are nearly grown. Our eldest son has finished university, the second has one year to go, and our daughter has just commenced her degree.
We are coming to the time in our lives that I have been longing for. The time for my husband to slow down at work, for us to re-discover the reasons why we fell in love and to start doing things together that I have longed dreamed for.
But that is not to be. My husband seems to no longer have use for me. His children are raised, he has a housekeeper and doesn’t need me any more.
Good luck to Gwyneth. She seems to have always had enough sense to realise that she is a strong independent woman, who has retained her own identity and can now boldly say to the world that she is “uncoupling” from her husband because, unlike me, she didn’t make her husband everything – but a part of something.
I wish I had believed and valued myself more in the life I had. It might have made “uncoupling” less frightening.

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Vicki

Dear Anne,

I am so sorry that your marriage is under threat.

I would like to say to you to have courage, to be strong and to know that you have infinite value… raising a family… nurturing children is the hardest most challenging job in the world… and you have successfully achieved that.

I am sure the idea of facing the future differently is overwhelming and daunting but try and think of it as ‘different’… it’s still the future and you will be able to embrace it with both hands… and make it yours. You will be able to be the person you want to be and find a direction that suits and satisfies you.

I know this is impossible to comprehend now… hurt has a very nasty way of masking clarity… and you must take time to grieve for this horrible shock…. but never, ever loose site of your value and your importance.

You will find your confidence and your direction for the future… be kind to yourself, no self doubt and recrimination… let yourself recover from this massive blow…

Thinking of you and I can’t imagine for one minute how painful life is right now… I am sorry…

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Gina

Vicki:

The heart is a treacherous thing. There in I believes a lot of problems society has with marriage today. We are raised to believe in romantic, all consuming passion that lasts through time. We are inundated with stories, pictures, movies and songs about the heart and love. But in few of those stories does anyone talk about the hard work, struggles and reality that goes into a marriage. It isn’t all fireflies and fairy tales as much as we want it to be, it is a relationship with growing and moving parts. When people go into marriage because of the passion, the feelings, the emotions, and they give little thought about the practical…that is where all falls apart. Choosing a partner has to include the brain…as much as you might have the “hots” for someone, compatibility issues and those little quirks (that I promise will never change) have to be weighed into the decision.

We live in a society of immediate gratification…it isn’t about hard work, perseverance or diligence…it’s about how do I feel now and what makes me happy now! The justification “That our extended life expectancy makes it almost impossible to survive with one partner alone.” is a cop out! It’s allowing people to believe that marriage is not something that has longevity, when with forethought, conversation, compromise, love, respect and understanding…any marriage can survive if both parties are willing to put in the effort.

There are marriages that will not survive, but if you go into the marriage believing that it is temporary aren’t you just telling the relationship it is doomed to succeed. If you tell someone they will fail, odds are, they will fail. If you tell someone they will win, odds are, they will win…because they have the drive to do so!

Before I was married, I was in a five year relationship with my son’s father. He was my first true love, he was everything I thought a man should be and he was the man I was going to marry. It didn’t matter that we fought like cats and dogs, it didn’t matter he made me feel horrible about myself, it didn’t matter that he was constantly leaving me or belittling me…I loved him! Thankfully, he left me and my son and we did not get married! Yup, I said thankfully. It made me hurt, it made me grow up, it made me appreciate myself and realize what was best for me and my son! I met my husband about a year later, we dated forever before we got married…we’ve been together for over 23 years now, dating and married. He is truly the love of my life, and the decision to be a couple took a long time so that we could be sure we could endure! We plan on doing just that.

“All things come to those who wait”…be patient in your relationships, finding your mate…being alone is not a bad thing it is a time to know yourself so that you can find the your perfect accompaniment in a spouse.

“All hard work brings a profit”…it’s hard work to be in any relationship. Be willing to put in the time and effort…and compromise has to be on the plate or you will both starve.

“Love the one your with”…if you understand love, you know that is includes respect, honesty, compassion and patience.

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Sally

My dear Vicki
I don’t know if you see belated comments, but I am writing to apologise. Im sometimes shy to join in.. but I love to read and enjoy your beautiful blog very much, and follow many things you suggest, and thoughts you provoke.
Im in a strange time of my life, I will be 50 in less than a year..and I am in the throes myself,of “uncoupling” with my first love
I have given it m all, everything I have in my heart to try and make our life together, of course its a story although we only met 6 years ago. He is Italian and we are sometimes there down by the sea, sometimes here…
Maybe it is destiny playing a hand, for I cannot give some of it up…. I am changed now, forever. But the heartbreak remains, as is not meant to be, and Im still trying to come to terms with everything.
Please forgive me, I came back to your post to read everyones point of view on this mindful subject. I find comfort, inspiration, creativity and friendship in blogs and am so very grateful for this in my life.Especially these days..

However, I just read my comment again. It is awful, I think I completely misread the conversation and certainly wish I had stayed silent. Im so sorry, Vicki. You are someone I have never met, and yet feel friendship for, and a great deal of respect and admiration.
I would have preferred to hand write my apology, but I would not know where to send it.
I just want to say in closing, that I believe in love too. I always will.. it is the answer.
I do hope I didn’t offend
With my love
Sally

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Candice @ NotesFromABroad

Fate uncoupled me .. my husband died suddenly, unexpectedly and everything that I planned and expected for the days and years to come has changed so drastically that I find it difficult to even go outside and into the garden.
The death of a marriage is so very sad. You go into it with such anticipation and joy and when things go wrong, not the way they were expected to go .. your heart breaks. You have to adjust to new thoughts on the future, a new way of living. . so in my opinion, whatever you choose to call it, when a marriage dies, it is something to mourn.
Regret is terrible, get the best out of your marriage/relationships … give the best also.
And hopefully you will never have a day that you look back and wish things had been different…
I tend to brush off Gwyneth Paltrows statements … they are not so much silly as not hers. She works so hard on being special .. she puts so much energy into being Gwyneth .. I can imagine it must have been difficult being married to someone who is so very intensely involved with herself.

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