‘Mothers and daughters’ … What a statement. A reader asked me some time back for my thoughts on mothering daughters… I have been thinking about her question ever since… and so far, this is where I am…
Just writing those three words sends me into a frenzy of thoughts and emotions. How, as mothers, do we raise well balanced, happy and healthy girls? How do we equip them for a life in this troubled world? Growing up for me was simple… life was less complicated… I wasn’t… but life was. Digital media was pretty non existent and my thoughts never included such words as, ‘terrorism’ or ‘global financial crisis’. Life was less competitive… I grew up in a period of prosperity… I didn’t worry about finding jobs, finding love… finding my future… it happened… it was a given…
Raising daughters is different now. They grow up earlier and they are more sophisticated. They are exposed to so much that colours and influences their thoughts. They are ‘little women’ long before they should be. They live in a world of multiple choice… if only it were as easy as ticking the right boxes… but today, their options are infinite… I don’t envy them. Finding their way and deciding on a path is an enormous stress. The world is their oyster but it is also a land mine; a navigational nightmare of decision making. Our daughters can try and have it all, they deserve it, but it won’t be without hardship and dilemma. Balancing a rich and full life today is a logistical challenge for even the most talented of women.
How do we prepare our daughters for their futures? How can we answer all their questions and solve all their problems? The truth is we can’t. We, as mothers, can only do what we can do. We can only do our best. Sometimes our best is better than best and sometimes it is not good enough… that is how mothering works. Mothering is a gamble… you hope and pray that your common sense and life experience will equip you to teach and nurture your children… Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. Raising children is the most difficult, strenuous and demanding job in the world… and we don’t even need a professional qualification for it… Mothers fall into this role willingly, lovingly and oftentimes with little thought… Mothering, the art of being a ‘good’ mother, takes time and can only be learnt on the job.
I believe the best way to teach our daughters is to be role models… to live our lives in a ways that they can respect and admire. Show them from the frontline… let them witness our self-confidence, our happiness and our commitment to a well balanced life. We must allow our daughters to be themselves, to be different… we must accept them for who they are and embrace their choices. We are not raising clones, we are raising individuals. Daughters must learn independence… Mothers need to understand how to ‘let go’. That must be one of the most excruciating parts of motherhood… the ‘letting go’. How many sleepless nights have you suffered because you have ‘let go’ ? I have lost count… Trusting our daughters is key… earning their trust and they ours. Sometimes the trust between a mother and a daughter is broken and it is an unpleasant place to come back from… but trust breeds security and personal security is the most soothing balm of all…
Listening to our daughters is key. I mean hearing them, really hearing them and making the time to understand what they are saying. Mothers often think that what their daughters say is ridiculous and silly, oftentimes it is, but if we don’t listen they will stop talking… and communication is paramount in relationships. As mothers we have to forgive our daughters their youthful mistakes, we need to embrace their naivety and accept that what might seem small to to us is monumental to them. Mothers need to remember that they were girls once… and that hindsight is not always helpful. As a mother, the-I-told-you-so-place is a trap… I have certainly fallen into that one… As a daughter I can honestly say that it is the most annoying response of all. I-told-you-so is a disastrous fall back position and one to be avoided at all times… We mothers are human after all… so we must allow ourselves some leeway…
Mothers and daughters need to be forgiving of each other. That does not sound obvious but it is so easy to hold invisible grudges with each other. Mothers would never admit to this, but in truth we can… and our daughters can. We women like things our own way and we don’t always get them exactly as we wish… which can lead to irritation. Mothers and daughters are no different. It is important to tell our daughters when we make mistakes or have not been as understanding as we should have been. Equally, our daughters need to recognise that we mothers don’t get it spot on every day, all day…
Daughters require patience… lots and lots of patience…Wouldn’t you agree? From the small to the large moments… Especially teenage girls…how they put us through the paces… Don’t they? Mothers have to be patient, sit back and wait. Mothers have to bite their tongues and wait for their daughters to ‘see the light’… and they do, they will… We need to learn to pick our battles… to let the small indiscretions slide and to save our ‘powder’ for the major battles. Our daughters will figure it out for themselves… they might even tidy their bedrooms in time…
But most of all we must love them and make them feel secure in that love. We mothers must be approachable and available… and why wouldn’t we? Having a daughter is one of the greatest joys in life… Having two… well I am just spoilt. xv
